MONKEY BUSINESS

Last Tuesday one of my friends who is also my neighbor was in dire need of a new pair of shoes. So, we headed towards the Connaught Place as it is one of those markets which is near and much sorted than Karol Bagh, another close by market which is bursting at seams with shoppers any day of the week.

So, we got into his car and drove towards the heritage market. It was a lazy winter afternoon as the sun played hide n seek with the clouds. We took the Mandir Marg road instead of the Upper Ridge road as it was a short-cut to reach our destination.

The Mandir Marg road is a beautiful boulevard as it is a narrow stretch of tarmac with dense foliage on both sides. The road swirls like a huge python making its way in a tropical rain forest. The vistas are such that you will feel as if you are driving down the stretch in any of the hill stations in Himachal or Uttarakhand.

Just as we reached the middle of the road, there is a sharp hairpin turn. So, as the brakes slowed down the revolutions of the wheels to negotiate the turn, I saw a mysterious looking man squatted on the roadside with a large brown canvas bag on his side and a bicycle parked behind.

It was a deserted stretch of tarmac and this guy was casually sitting beside the road appeared a bit awkward. So, just out of curiosity I decided to investigate as what that man was upto. I got my friend to pull up the car behind some bushes.

As he killed the ignition we sat in silence and started observing the man. He was dressed in a white kurta and dhoti and had a big black moustache. He took out a beedi from his pocket and started puffing away. His body language suggested that he was definitely waiting for someone.

A mixed feeling of confusion and curiosity overtook the both of us as we watched in anticipation. A few minutes later a couple on a green Bajaj Chetak scooter pulled up right next to the man who immediately put out his beedi and became active.

As the man parked the dilapidated piece of machinery under a peepal tree, the middle-aged lady got off it and took a few steps towards the squatted man, who had now placed his big brown bag in front of him and one of his hand fiddling for something inside it.

The heavily built lady was dressed in a bright pink coloured salwaar-kameez with a matching dupatta. A thick black sweater protected her from the nippy weather. The man chewing a pan was stout and looked like Kader Khan’s half-brother. The couple exchanged a glance which was followed by complete silence in the air.

Taking a few steps toward the strange looking man, conversation commenced amongst the three. Our car parked behind the foliage we tried hard to listen in but could not only gather some muffled chatter.

But some negotiations were taking place, that was for sure. But what could they be dealing in? That too on a deserted road in the middle of a jungle? Could they be drug dealers? Or worse arms smuggler?

We were still scratching our heads when the silence in the air was shattered by sounds of a police siren blowing at a distance. Suddenly, the trio jumped into action and with a visible white police gypsy headed towards them the couple ran towards their scooter while the man in the dhoti flung himself onto his bicycle.

In the ensuing commotion, the big brown bag fell from his hands and surprisingly, a pile of bananas fell down on the asphalt.

Now our curiosity has reached a crescendo. I mean, if they were really dealing in bananas then why were they running away from the cops? I knew there was much more to them then what appeared.

Meanwhile, the trio on their respective modes of transportation disappeared into the woods as the gypsy slowly followed them.

Sure of the fact the sluggish speed at which the police van was moving would never catch the mysterious trio, I decided to take matter in my own hands and asked my friend to fire the engine and chase the ‘’

But just as we were leaving, for one last time I took a cursory glance of the surroundings for any piece of evidence read wannabe Sherlock Homes and a few metres away I saw something interesting. I stepped out of the car and walked towards it to have a better look.

Hidden behind the green shrubbery was a red coloured iron board with something written on it in bold white letters and it read:

“FEEDING ANY KIND OF FOOD TO THE WILD MONEKYS IN THE FOREST IS A CRIMINAL OFFENCE UNDER SECTION 20 (D) OF IPC. OFFENDER WILL BE LIABLE TO Rs. 10,000 FINE OR SIX MONTHS IN JAIL."

– BY ORDER

COMMISSIONER,

MUNICIPAL CORPORTAION OF DELHI (MCD)

It was then that I realised that being a Tuesday, the poor couple were just offering some food to the monkeys as an offering to Bajrang Bali. Looks can be deceiving. Seriously!

YOU DESERVE BETTER 'DADA'

Last week I read in the newspapers that former Indian skipper Sourav Ganguly who was left red faced after he went unsold in the Indian Premier League’s (IPL) auction held January, may get an opportunity to finally play for Kochi Tuskers Kerala as a replacement player for one of their injured players Steve Smith.

Ganguly aka Dada in the previous three editions, captained Kolkata Knight Riders who under his leadership went from bad to worse with each season of the IPL. Even Dada’s performance was nothing to write home about.

So, although it was a bit sad but definitely not a surprise when Ganguly’s name was called out at the auctions and no body showed any interest. The team owners were very clear in what they wanted— players who can hit the ball hard and were young.

Dada surely qualifies for the former but at 37 fails miserably in the latter. I would also like to add that performance is undeniably more important than age, that is why players like Tendulkar and Warne, who are older than Dada are still playing in the IPL and playing well.

Perhaps, this is the reason that veteran player like Anil Kumble who had a sublime three seasons with Royal Challengers Bangalore turned chief mentor of the team and saved himself from any embarrassment.

But it seems, dada’s arrogance had the better of him as he refused a similar offer from KKR. Instead he went a step ahead and put himself in the top most category i.e. the most expensive category of players demanding $400,000. Utter foolishness!

An seasoned campaigner like him should have known better. With his years of experience in one days and tests he knew that T20 is an explosive version of the game much faster than both the formats that he excelled at. And everybody cannot be a master at everything and there is no shame in admitting it.

Ganguly should have been humble enough to first demand a much lower price and if he found no takers, take on the job of KKR’s mentor or maybe just avoid IPL altogether.

Its discouraging to see a former captain of India waiting to replace someone in a team or maybe out of sympathy get selected in a squad. He does not deserves it neither he requires it.

But as the popular Sanskrit saying goes -- “Vinash Kalay, vipreet Budhi" meaning when god wants your times to be hard, he just distorts your thinking process.

So, while Ganguly till last week may have played for Kochi, a news report published a couple of days back suggests that the Bong may have lost a realistic chance of playing this year according to the IPL rule book.

Kochi wanted Ganguly as a replacement but the rule book states that, a player can be replaced at the same or lesser price than the player to be replaced. So while Smith was purchased by Kochi for $200,000 Ganguly's base price was $400,000.

Surprisingly, Ganguly's base price, initially, was $200,000. But former Indian skipper, along with a few other players, including Rahul Dravid, had increased it to $400,000. Vinash kalay, vipreet buddhi indeed!

Some say if he had not done that, Dada could have easily walked into the Kochi team and fulfilled his dream of playing in the IPL-4.

But seriously, is this the way one of the most successful cricketing captains of India would like to get selected—by replacing an injured player.

Would he feel the same passion and confidence of a player for whom team owners fought over? Wouldn’t his self-respect get a blow and would the fans be proud of him?

Well, as a cricket lover and dada fan I personally would never want to see him play like this. Kept as a reserve with nobody bothering about him even after the tournament commenced days ago and now out of the blue I should go gung ho because he got a chance to replace an injured player.

No way dada, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

ZEN AND THE ART OF LIVING

Since I began my first job in July last year, I commuted on a Honda City gifted to me by loving parents during my college days. Seven months into the job and the wise guy inside me realized that the peanuts that I was earning in the name of salary were not enough to justify the City’s high fuel bills.

Fed up, I finally decided to switch to a 1998 Maruti Zen. A pre-owned vehicle, it joined us a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of my mother trying a hand at driving.

But soon she realised that the mad traffic in Delhi coupled with the some morons who think that their green and yellow autos have the liberty of turning anywhere at high speeds without indicating was too much for her to handle.

So, the humble vehicle after a few weeks of outing began successfully hogging parking space in the street outside our home for its bigger sedan sibling.

Although both the cars run on petrol, the Zen obviously returns a better mileage because of its size.

Honestly, the switch from the City to a Zen was an altogether bitter experience for me as I was parting ways with my college sweetheart with whom I had many memories. Bought just two years back, the city had all the bells and whistles to satisfy my luxury needs.

But in stark comparison my new mode of transportation did not even have a POWER STEERING!!! The only saving grace was the air conditioner which I must confess was damn good for a car that was more than ten years old.

So, driving it for a few months I realised a lot of things about this puny car as well as the society we live in. For example how a simple thing like the size of the vehicle you drive in a city like Delhi can be a boon in rush hour traffic and at the same time a status symbol too.

The Zen being smaller is obviously much easier to drive and park in the city and can squeeze into any possible openings in traffic. But then, other motorists do not take you seriously and would rarely give room to overtake especially if the car in front of you is bigger than yours.

Motorists in the capital take pride as well as judge you by the size of your car, the bigger the better.

I have also realized that the number of people wanting to race me have increased too probably because cars belonging to the category of Zen i.e. budget hatchbacks rule the city roads.

So, a number of Santros, Wagon R’s, Altos etc. are challenging me every few weeks on the road and sadly defeating me too. A car that old does not have the lungs to accelerate past 80-90 kmph and that too being achieved in not less than a couple of minutes!!!

But like every cloud has a silver lining same was the case with the Zen.

To start of with, it has a very simple and humble appearence, which means traffic cops would seldom stop you even though I still do not have the car's registration certificate for reasons beyond my control.

Surprisingly, on a few occasions when I forgot to put on a seatbelt, traffic cops on bikes passed me and did not bother to flag me down. It was as If I was invisible to them.

Had it been the City with its black tinted glasses, fat tyres and alloys I would have definitely burnt a hole in my pocket paying fines. Cars like my City are easily noticed by cops because usually they are driven by youngsters who love to flout rules.

There have been times when I was driving the city, that I was pulled over by cops for not wearing a seatbelt or smoking at the wheel but nothing of that sort happened with the Zen, which in a way I believe maintains a 'low profile' easily.

But then again, it was definitely not a practical option because of its interiors, space and performance which belongs to a bygone era. And this I knew deep down inside, a few days after taking over the Zen.

But neither was the flashy and expensive to run City, which was very desirable but could not fit in the over all scheme of things.

So, I had to find a middle path, the best of both the worlds. Simply put, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

Hence I have decided to get myself a pre-owned Maruti Swift diesel but in pristine condition so that I can have the comfort and space of the City at the driving cost of the Zen.

Happy Hunting!!!

P.S. The only creature comfort that the Zen provided-- the awesome a/c broke down today morning.

STOP FOOLING YOURSELF MARUTI

Insaan ko apni aukaat kabhi nahi bhoolni chaahiye… the line spoken to death in numerous bollywood movies over the last several decades-- a warning given out to anyone who dared to cross his boundaries. But I guess, the people at Maruti Suzuki have not seen much Hindi films, otherwise they would not have the audacity to launch their latest car the Kizashi, which is recipe for a sure disaster!

The Kizashi is powered by a 2.4 litre petrol engine delivering 178 PS of power. It will be available in two variants — automatic transmission priced at Rs.17.5-lakh and six-speed manual transmission at Rs.16.5-lakh. Apart from being pricey, it looks like a grown up SX4, the company’s another mid size sedan struggling to survive.

It is also the first premium sedan launched by MARUTI, which produces eight small-cars in an attempt to shed its small-car maker image but sadly, it has got it all wrong.

History has proven that when it comes to selling cars above the 10 lakh bracket, MARUTI has always tasted dirt. Even in the segment above Rs. 7 lakh, MARUTI has either tasted short-term success or witnessed debacles. It is only the sub 7 lakh bracket where the company reigns supreme.

The first sedan offered by the company was Maruti 1000 in 1990 which was a huge success back then. It was followed by the Esteem with a 1.3 litre engine and upgraded features in 1994 which again was a success story and the car sold like hot cakes for almost 15 years until it was replaced by the Swift Dzire in 2008.

But that was back then when there was hardly any competition in the form of car models or for that matter, car makers. Maruti was up against the ageing Hindustan Motors' Ambassador and Contessa Classic and the Premier Automobiles' Padmini popularly known as the Fiat.

So, light weight, efficient and zippy petrol cars offered by MARUTI back then brought about an inevitable revolution as the masses were fed up of the old, boring cars with high maintenance and running costs which burned deep holes in their owners’ pockets.

Other competition like the Daewoo Cielo was a gas guzzler so was obviously rejected and the Ford brand was just taking off with its Escort which by the way sold in good numbers in the years that followed.

MARUTI was the leader back then and people had no other choice until the late 90’s and early 2000’s when companies like Hyundai, Toyota, Honda, Tata etc. stormed the Indian car market with diverse products that changed the country’s automobile scene forever.

The sedans offered by Maruti after the Esteem did not caught the fancy of the masses the way its predecessors did because the customers were now getting better value-for-money cars like the Hyundai Accent, Ford Ikon, Tata Indigo and even Honda City.

All these cars were class leaders and jolted the sales of various sedans offerd by Maruti over the years.

However, Maruti’s nightmare had begun many years ago with the Baleno. Even its replacement -- the SX4 launched in 2007 tasted short term success until the new Honda City with its i-vtec technology came to spoil its party. As of now, the situation is so bad for the Maruti sedan, that it will soon be launched in a diesel avatar in a desperate bid to combat the ever increasing sales of the Honda City.

But even sadder is the fact that suddenly, the number of SX4’s with ‘Govt. Of India’ printed on their number plates have surged in the capital. Maybe for 'old times sake' the government is doing a favour for its Japanese friend (as it no longer hold any stake in the company) and is distributing the sedan to its various officers around the country in a bid to clear the stock.

The only Maruti sedan that is doing great and is in fact a phenomenal success is the Swift Dzire which despite being an ugly duckling has managed to win the hearts of millions of Indians with its practicality, features and most important—its price, and here lies the truth behind Maruti’s success.

Majority of Indians are thrifty by nature. People like to get maximum bang for the buck here. The statement is further cemented by the fact that the top three manufacturers in the country—Maruti, Tata and Hyundai are known for value-for-money cars.

So, Maruti launching a car priced well above 16 lakhs is absolutely stupid. The brands in this segment need to have a snob value to sell. People would not spend such an amount on a car maker which takes pride in its high mileage cars what with the ‘Kitna Deti Hain’ ad campaign.

It is strange that Maruti still has not learnt its lessons even after the failure of their first SUV, the Grand Vitara launched a few years ago.The car failed miserably just because of its high price tag upwards of RS. 16 lakh.

With the launch of Kizashi, it seems the company is refusing to learn from its earlier mistake. Maruti must realize that the premium car buyer is willing to overlook a few features in his/her car provided it’s a premium brand. Maruti is just the opposite of this theory.

Why would a customer buy a Maruti product when they can lay their hands on a Honda, Toyota, Skoda or Volkswagen (VW) for the same price?

However, the company is saying that with the Kizashi, it is not expecting big volumes but is preparing itself to offer products in a segment which is likely to form a big chunk of the market in future. How ridiculous?

I am surprised at the fact that such a statement is coming from a company which brought a revolution in the Indian car market a couple of decades ago. They are either fooling us or themselves.

If the company genuinely wanted to enter the segment it should have done with a car loaded with features and a killing price tag of around 12 lakh i.e. offering better features and value than a Civic or Corolla but priced a few thousand rupees below them which would have made it an irresistible deal much like the Ford Figo which apparently has a waiting period of between two weeks to a month.

This way Kizashi would have given severe competition to cars like Honda Civic, Toyota Corolla, VW Jetta and Skoda Laura which are all best sellers.

But surprisingly and strangely, Maruti has placed the Kizashi at the top of this segment and for unknown reasons at the bottom of the segment above this which boasts of cars like the Honda Accord and VW Passat.

Sure, going by the engines, Kizashi is in Accord and Passat’s class but what about the space, looks, and once again BRAND?

This is suicidal from Maruti, how can it expect to conquer a segment of a car driven by strong brand image when it has failed in the segment below it. Absolutely surprising!

To top it all, the company is importing the car to India as a Completely Built-up Unit (CBU) which attracts more than 100 percent duty by the government.

Whereas, it should have imported the car as Completely Knocked Down Units (CKU) and assemble it here.

The company however, says that it will consider local assembly of the Kizashi if volumes justify doing so in the future. How much more foolish can they get? How will they get the volumes when the car is going to be a bigger disaster than the historic Baleno. They have got it all wrong, absolutely wrong!

And as I conclude this blog, thanks to some surfing about the car, I have just realized that according to the manufacturers, Kizashi literally means ‘a prelude to good things’... Truly ironic?

IT DOES MATTER IF YOU ARE BLACK OR WHITE!!!

…if you are thinkin about my baby, It don’t matter if you are black or white… Remember the smash hit single by Michael Jackson? How it set the sales chart on fire and the cash registers ringing—A rare combination of a song that had a strong social message and also earned laurels and cash for its makers.

The song released in 1991 advocated harmony between the Black Americans and the White Americans in the United States for years to come and still is like an anthem for both the communities. It had a soothing effect on both the races which even after surviving together for hundreds of years were still not comfortable with each other. But that was then and in today’s America, it appears that things have improved by leaps and bounds.

But also true is the saying that one man’s meat is another man’s poison. The song which proved to be a blessing for the country in troubled times will certainly have no value in our country. Simply because the black and white divide in our country is much more dangerous, deep and devastating.

Over the years the problem of B&W has inflated to colossal proportions. It has plagued our nation to the core and blunted its development. It has created a rift between the citizens of the country. It has increased the national crime rate, exploitation and suicides. Our problem may not appear to be treacherous on the surface but beneath the surface it is more threatening than America’s.

Now, before some of you start scratching your head trying to figure out India’s African connection while others fear the resuscitation of an Indian Ku Klux Klan by the radicals, hold your thought. We Indians are predominantly BROWN, so there is no point of B&W divide among the population. The B&W problem I am talking about concerns our ECONOMY.

The divide is between the black money which has been accumulating illegally in banks around the world in Switzerlans, Seychelles, Singapore, Macau etc. since 1948 and the white money, earned by the hardworking population of the country.

Simply put, black money is the income earned illegally, usually in cash, and not reported to the government so as to avoid paying taxes on it.

According to data revealed by these banks, about Rs. 20 lakh Crore or 1500 billion dollars of black money belonging to Indian is lying in such banks which is 40 percent of our Gross Domestic Product.

Just imagine if all this money would have been pumped in our economy or building infrastructure or simply used to provide food and shelter to the poor, we would not have been chasing the goal of becoming a developed country by 2020 and continue to beg for aides from the World Bank.

Everybody from the politicians, to the bureaucrats to the corporate world, everybody is involved in it. These selfish, greedy and despicable thieves have slowly sucked and drained the wealth of our nation and deposited it in their accounts in banks all over the world.

For me, this is the baap of all scams and the Commonwealth Games scam or the 2G spectrum scam, which was the biggest ever in the history of India up till now have been dwarfed by this black money scam, which shockingly is 12 times the 2G scam.

As always our government is desperate to save these people because many of them would be funding their elections and donation millions as party funds. It is a rotten nexus of looting the country.

This statement is further cemented by the fact that the government is treating black money as a tax evading issue when it is simply a theft of the Indian economy. The government is simply diluting the charges.

So, come to think of it, it was a good thing that the legend was an American and not an Indian. Otherwise, if he had witnessed the black and white divide here, history would have been deprived off one of the greatest songs ever created.

VIR, BARKHA AND WIKILEAKS

As 2010 draws to an end it can be easily concluded that the past year has been one of the most action-packed (for a journalist like me) what with scams of magnum proportions in every corner of the country and in every sector from sports to telecom. 2010 was surely the year of scams.

But come to think of it, our country’s affair with scams is as strong as a Fevicol ka jod, joh ache se acha na tod paaye. The way we got independence from the Britishers we were subjected to a new kind of anarchy- that of our political class. They in the garb of development be it the military development (Bofors scam) or rural development (Fodder scam) and various other drought and famine aids have filled their coffers over the many decades.

So, in hindsight, there were not a lot of scams committed in the year, they were only exposed as many of them were in the making for years but their lid was blown off only in 2010.

The reasons behind writing this blog, are firstly because for the very first time has the media been caught red-handed in the middle of corporate lobbying and political arm-twisting

The likes of the mighty Vir Sanghvi and the mightier Barkha Dutt were humiliated and embarrassed by a certain Nira Radia, the person in charge for handling the corporate communications of the country’s two leading industrialists- Mukesh Ambani and Ratan Tata.

Radia’s recorded (without her knowledge) conversation with both the ‘mighty’ journalists reveal how they actively took part in the process of appointing certain political leaders to certain ministries so that their clients would gain from those corrupt fools. Case in point- Radia discussing A. Raja’s inclusion in the Telecom Ministry with Dutt and worse Vir Sanghvi shamelessly influencing public opinion through his column ‘Counterpoint’ in Hindustan Times.

No matter how much the duo denied the allegations and instead launched an all-out attack on the editor of Open magazine which printed the transcriptions Manu Joseph, the fact remains that they both were guilty of wrongdoing and no amount of foolish statements of being innocent and error of judgement can prove them innocent.

Moreover, it is a human tendency that if we are caught cheating we either accept the crime or make a ruckus by giving frivolous excuses because we want the attention to divert from the main subject. Being the snobs that Sanghvi and Dutt are it came as no surprise that they chose the latter.

People like Barkha Dutt who were lobbying for the Congress party must have got tonnes of personal and professional favours from the party as well as people like Radia. After all she was awarded the Padma Bhushan for heavens’ sake. So, do whatever you feel like but just be prepared to pay for your actions because sooner or later your luck will run out.

But if one fine day a gentleman like Manu Joseph armed with an edition of Open magazine comes around to expose you, do not be startled.

So, coming to the second point which is also the best thing that happened to journalism in 2010 was WikiLeaks. Frankly, the storm that it generated globally It definitely was not a leak but a flooding of massive proportions.

For the uninitiated, WikiLeaks is an international non-profit organisation that publishes submissions of private, secret, and classified media from anonymous news sources and news leaks. Its website, launched in 2006 and run by The Sunshine Press, claimed a database of more than 1.2 million documents within a year of its launch.

However, if we just talk about the content related to our country revealed by Leaks, the ‘flooding’ has only reaffirmed the many stereotypes prevalent in our nation since decades while some others amazed and shocked.

Like when Rahul Gandhi talked about the ‘Hindu radicals being more dangerous than those Muslims who support cross border terror outfits’ it was no surprise to me as he is just toing his party line. There is nothing new in the appeasement of minorities by the Congress party. In fact many of the veterans read sycophants in the party have become an expert in it like Digvijay Singh.

Radicals, irrespective of their religion should be measured with the same yardstick. Rahul’s statement was absolutely biased and immature. What is terrifying is that it came from a person who is all set to become the Prime Minister of the country in a few years down the line.

Further, the leaks exposed the Gandhi scion telling Timothy Roemer how he was focusing on rural India to gain a stronghold for his party as it would be tough for the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) to beat them there.

I was deeply hurt by this as the future PM just like his predecessors was only thinking about political gains and not about the upliftment of the poor and backward. It is because of these political motives that a Kalawati, a downtrodden citizen of India is promised better living conditions when the ‘Congress Prince’ spends a night in her shack and a year later the same Kalawati’s brother commits suicide because of poverty.

WikiLeaks is a boon to a country like ours which is ruled and not governed by sycophant and corrupt jokers who think thet they can get away with anything. What the ‘courageous and mighty’ journalists of this country would not do, WikiLeaks is doing for them.

Everybody has their vested interests and it is because of this very reason that Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook was chosen over Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks as the person of the year by the Time magazine, the same publication that voted Lady Gaga’s ‘Meat dress’ as the fashion of the year. Just Amazing!!!

WikiLeaks has spared no one from the United States war on terror to the local thullas of Delhi Police. The fear that it has generated in the minds of people is tremendous which have gone onto doubt and question the credibility of the cables.

But as far as for me and many more common citizens like me, the cables did reveal David Mulford, former US ambassador to India calling the then Home Minister Shivraj Patil ‘Spectacularly Inept’ post 26/11, which is spot on and every informed Indian would swear by.

As we usher in a new year and brace ourselves for 2011, I hope there would be many more cables revealing, exposing, embarrassing those who deserve it worldwide and especially in India. Keep ‘em coming Mr. Assange… am loving it!!!