MOST IDIOTIC PRODUCT OF 2011

As the year 2011 draws to an end I would like to present the award of this year’s most idiotic product launch to – DETTOL NO TOUCH handwash system.

For the uninitiated— the handwash system consists of a battery powered dispenser stuffed with a bottle of liquid soap and when you place your hand under the dispenser it automatically dispenses just the right amount of soap.

According to the Dettol advertisement, a soap bar is covered with millions of bacteria and the no touch system is comparatively safer as you won’t be touching the ‘infected’ soap bar or a dispenser.

BULLSHIT!!!

The system will protect you from germs because you won’t be touching the pump but seriously, how do we wash our hands? We press the pump for soap and then wash the germs off.

So even if the soap bar or pump has HIV/AIDS or swine flu bacteria on it, wouldn’t they be killed? The problem is not the soap but in fact it’s the tap which we touch before washing and immediately after.

So, what we need are not automatic soap dispensers but automatic taps!

However, there are some foolish souls on this earth including some close friends and relatives who just can’t stop praising the ‘invention of the century.’

Well, if you are so damn senseless to dole out hundreds of rupees for the dispenser, batteries and refills when the same job can be done by a soap that would cost Rs. 20! You deserve to be mugged by such corporates.

PRABHAT FAIRY: A DIFFERENT FAIRY TALE

It was a friend’s birthday bash last night and I hit the sack at around 5 in the morning. A few smokes and songs later when I finally decided to call it a day, i was ruffled by the sounds of firecrackers.

I wondered who the hell would be burning crackers at 5:30 a.m.! that too more than two weeks after Diwali. Just as reached the window to take a look, sounds of dholkis and daflis and gurbanis started reverberating in the air and it was then that I realized that the celebrations to mark the festival of Gurpurab had begun. (The festival will be celebrated on Nov 10)

The morning prayers better known as ‘Prabhat Fairy’ start a week before the main festival. It involves devotees singing gurbanis and taking a round of the locality in which the Gurudwara is situated.

However, the fairy that is taken out on Gurpurab is huge. It involves hundreds of people and there are lots of firecrackers, food and drinks offered by residents en route. The heart of the procession is the ‘palki’ or a modified tempo decorated with garlands, flowers and balloons carrying the Guru Granth Sahib.

So as I was lying down on the bed, fond memories came rushing back as to how I loved the fairies when I was growing up.

When I was a kid my mother would take me and my cousins living nearby to these fairies every year which meant lots of free samosas, bread pakodas, badam milk and what not. The combination of gorging on piping hot food in the chilly winter morning amidst gurbanis was truly divine.

Years later I was a teenager in school the celebrations began early. Me and my group of friends would get together to decorate the ‘palki’ late into the night. We would return home at around 2 a.m. catch a couple of hours sleep and were again on the road by 5.

Couple of years down the line when we entered college, things changed a bit. The fairies were now a pass for us to stay at each other’s house and drive around on our bikes toe whole night searching for food and cigarettes.

But when the fairy began we were right there not to feast on the bread pakoras or milk but on the neighbourhood girl that we had a crush on.

And then came the sad part-- not sleeping the whole night and returning home only after 8 or 9 a.m. meant that when we hit the sack it wasn’t before 6 or 7 in the evening that we woke up.

And it was then that we realized that we had to go to school or college the following day and the festivities were all over.

That was severe depression for us and we tried our best to somehow cajole our parents into letting us take an off the next day but year after year we failed terribly.

In conclusion, had it not been for the neighbourhood gurudwara and the fairies, I think I wouldn’t have had some of the best days, experiences of my life.

SO MUCH FOR A GANDHIAN MOVEMENT

I knew it was a sham since it all began in April this year. The dramatic speeches, promises of eradicating corruption in no time, patriotic bhajans and songs and lastly-- fooling naïve Indian citizens. The anti-graft movement led by so called Gandhian Anna Hazare always talks about Gandhian principles and following the path of non-violence but in reality they don’t have the strength or brains to walk the talk.

It all started in the Ramlila Maidan in August this year when Hazare began round two of his fast against the government demanding a strong Lokpal Bill to tackle corruption.

As days passed by the police presence around the grounds increased and the two stooges of Hazare, who in fact are the engines running the whole show-- Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi feared a possible police crackdown— similar to the one which resulted in the forceful eviction of Baba Ramdev from the same ground weeks earlier.

So, on one particular evening when the police presence was the maximum in the area, sacred to death they quickly informed Hazare about the developments outside. Surprisingly, the non-violence lover Hazare jumped out of seat and haunted by the sight of lathis crashing on him asked the young volunteers to guard the entry gates and stop any policemen if he tries to enter.

Apparently, excitement and fear got the better of this Gandhain who without thinking about the consequences ordered his minions to retaliate.

Thanks to the Home Ministry no such order was passed and followed by Delhi Police. Otherwise one can imagine what would have happened that night? Thousands of youths colliding with armed police personnel. Terrible.

Delhi hospitals would have seen a deluge of Rajabalas (The lady who died after sustaining critical injuries on her spine and head when police lathi charge the Ramlila Maidan during cutting short Ramdev’s agitation against black money).

Though Hazare took back his words the following day which had made no difference had the police stepped inside the maidan.

Now last week Team Anna member Prashant Bhushan was attacked by some activists of Shri Ram Sene and Bhagat Singh Kranti Sena on his remarks advocating a plebiscite in Kashmir.

Although I don't agree with Bhushan but I believe that bashing someone because he doesn't agrees with you is totally wrong. This is India not China.

But as soon as the attacker was done with Bhushan, his friends and supporters bashed the attacker as he was taken away by police blood oozing out from his nose and lips. I am not defending anybody here but was that right? Isn't that what Gandhi called 'an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind'.

Same thing happened in Lucknow yesterday when a slipper was hurled at Kejriwal. The attacker was bashed and his clothes torn by the 'bodyguards' of Kejriwal who he lovingly calls volunteers of India Against Corruption.

So, in both the cases every action had an equal and opposite reaction.

Even if we believe that the 'supporters' of these 'anti-corruption warriors' were angered and in the heat of the moment they kicked some butt. Shouldn't Bhushan and Kejriwal apologise? After all according to them they are not corrupt, lead a very honest and simple life and are followers of Gandhi. This much is surely expected of them.

But the kind of aura that Team Anna has now. not many will ponder over this sad reality. Even if they do they shall dismiss it. All because they are hopeful that someone will come forward to end corruption which is in fact a foolhardy because the fact is that no society can survive solely on honesty.

We need lies and corruption to work and maintain relations. The amount may vary. We are willing to shell out Rs. 100 if we have been stealing electricity with the help of a faulty electrical metre i.e. it is convenient to us.

In the end I would just like to add the whole anti-graft movement and Team Anna has been successful in fooling this nation.

Main bhi Anna tu bhi Anna gaate gaate, poore desh ko mast topi pehnayi hain.

THE PATHETIC NAUTANKIS OF RAMLILA MAIDAN

Being a journalist I was a regular visitor to the Ramlila Maidan during social activist Anna Hazare’s indefinite fast for a strong anti-graft bill in Delhi’s Ramlila Maidan last month.

No doubt, huge crowds were always present at the site since day one as people kept on pouring as the word spread that a 74-year-old was fasting for the cause of the common man.

However, it was the rapid increase in the he number of nautankis that thronged the venue as each day passed.

Donning fancy dresses or imitating some mythological character these nautankis were spread across the length and breadth of the ground carefully trudging close to the cameras of 24X7 news channels hoping to get their 15 seconds of fame.

In some cases, these nautankis were even followed around by ‘supporters’ of Hazare who instead of protesting along with Hazare seemed to be only interested in getting themselves registered by a news crew as they walked behind and danced around a complete stranger read nautanki.

On the other hand these nautankis had a competition among themselves. Who was dressed the most outrageous and who could gather maximum eyeballs and most important—media attention.

Almost all of them had no idea about the Lokpal or the Jan Lokpal bill but each one of them had huge colourful posters which basically thrashed the likes of Manmohan Singh, Sonia Gandhi, Kapil Sibal and P. Chidambaram.

The rapid sales of tri coloured caps, flags etc. further cemented this statement as the more u were covered in tri-colours the more ‘patriotic’ you were and the better the chances of you been covered by a camera.

A particular incident further convinced me that Indians can stoop to any level just to put up a good show for others.

I was startled when a middle aged lady went up to a young boy who had a very creative anti-corruption poster in his hands and she asked him to sell it.

So, the only chance of her getting into the frame of a camera was with a nice, creative poster as she forgot to buy the tri-coloured stuff mentioned above.

In a similar incident, two toddlers on a carpet under the marquee were holding the Indian flags and broke into impromptu slogan raising, imitating the crowd around them.

They looked so cute engrossed in their worlds poking each other and just having good fun.

So, when this foreign photo journalist tried to click them, almost immediately a total stranger standing nearby rushed to the kids snatched a tri colour from one of them, held it himself and started posing with the kids.

The journo asked him to move and leave the kids alone as she wanted a natural shot but the guy wont’ budge. Finally, the lady stomped her foot and left without taking a picture.

It was so pathetic that at the end of it I couldn’t help but think that those people were just hungry for some footage. If they had been dumped in a ground with an assurance that their antics would be shown on national TV they would have indulge in similar behaviour, Anna or no Anna!

DIGVIJAY SINGH CLAIMS 'INDIA'S GOT TALENT' IS PRO-HINDUTVA

The following blog is inspired by and dedicated to the popular news satire website – Faking News.

Digvijay Singh demands banning ‘India’s Got Talent’ calling it pro-Hindutva

New Delhi: Congress leader Digvijay Singh has asked for a ban on popular reality show ‘India’s Got Talent’ calling it pro-Hindutva as two of its three judges – Dharmendra and Kirron Kher are members of the Bharatiya Janata Party also accusing them of discrimination and biasness.

“They both are spreading the BJP’s communal agenda on national TV with the help of this useless show,” said Singh claiming that the judges praised participants from BJP ruled states while displaying a step motherly treatment towards those hailing from states where Congress was in power.

“Just last week a dancer from Gujarat was performing and both the judges clapped exact 29 times but when another performer hailing from Haryana completed his act, they clapped only 27 ½ times. Isn’t this discrimination?” asked Singh.

According to Singh, his statement is further cemented by the fact that when party colleague, Mani Shankar Aiyar went to the show claiming to be from Andhra Pradesh, he was booed off the stage.

“With all his experience at ‘The Circus’ which we also fondly call the Congress Headquarters, he went to the show as a joker and none of us doubted his capability. He is a natural at it. In fact he is a born joker,” said Singh.

But he was booed off the stage by the audience who I seriously doubt has been brainwashed by the communal judges just because instead of performing some tricks, Shankar started lambasting Kalmadi and co. for their poor management of the Commonwealth Games, said Singh.

Diggy Raja also claimed to have call records between the producer of the show Jadu Jhappiwala and a certain high ranked BJP leader Tintin Hadkari and accused the party of funding the show.

“The call records are safe in the respective telecom companies’ databases and I will produce them at the right time,” said Singh while he winked and grinned.

Dismissing Singh’s claim Jhappiwala said that he had already installed the advanced version of ‘Diggy Call Record Eraser’ in his phone so he was immune to such threats.

Further tearing into the show, Singh said it was a sham and the naïve citizens of the country were being fooled by the producers and the channel.

“Why are they wasting their time and making people believe that there is still some talent hidden in some part of this country? I mean India’s best talent- Rahul Baba has already been discovered and is being nurtured by me,” said Singh.

“What point are they trying to make?” asked Singh.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE ANTENNA THIEF

For the last couple of weeks, I had been witnessing a strange development in our street. For some unknown reasons the radio antennas of all cars parked in our neighbourhood were disappearing mysteriously at night and no one had a clue!

I was absolutely perplexed because stealing of decals and side view mirrors is a common problem in a city like Delhi and nowadays it’s totally accepted. I mean no one files an FIR if a decal from his car;s bonnet disappears.

But stealing plastic antennas made no sense. Especially when in all the cases the antennas were technically not stolen in one piece because their base bolted to the roof never came off.

So, I thought this stupid thief is stealing broken antennas and that too ever week!

But still I was fine with it until one night antennas of both my cars vanished. Couple of days later, I got them replaced still trying desperately to figure out the idiot behind the act. Meanwhile, three days later he struck again and both of the antennas were again missing.

And this time round while one of the antennas was broken in two, the other was completely disfigured.

It was like the antenna was given in the hands of Manmohan Singh and then he was continuously told by Digvijay Singh that Rahul Baba would make a better Prime Minister that he could ever be.

I would have pacified myself by blaming a jealous neighbor but the fact that it was uniform across the entire neighbourhood, refrained me from thinking so.

Desperate to find out the culprit, I set up camp on my home’s terrace (from here I can see both my cars) the whole night on a weekend and deiced to catch the miscreant ‘red handed.’

It was a dark, moonless night and on top of it the streetlight was broken too. The pitch dark conditions made it difficult to watch what was happening in the street below. So, I concentrated hard and kept vigil.

Meanwhile, pints of chilled Kingfisher, chicken tikkas and vintage Bollywood songs playing on my laptop were keeping me company.

Suddenly, at around 1 a.m. I saw someone walking towards my cars. Dressed in black he camouflaged himself in the dark environment and it was a challenging task to keep a track of his movements.

Upon reaching the front of the car he jumped on the bonnet, looked around and with another leap stood proudly on the rooftop of the vehicle. Then he went towards the antenna turned a circle and settled down with his tongue wagging out.

IT WAS A STREETDOG! Unable to bear the July heat he had been for the last couple of weeks dozing off on the rooftop of cars as the cool metallic surface provided much needed relief to him.

He slowly started licking the antenna then gnawed and bit it and finally pulled it out of its base before breaking it into two. Then he kept on playing with for a few minutes and finally dozed off.

Meanwhile, I had finished my last pint of beer and decided to hit the sack. As I gathered my stuff I could not help but laugh at myself while thinking about the amount of money that two new antennas would set me back by.

THODA AUR LIJIYE

In the over 20 years of my dining out experience, I have been to several restaurants, hotels, pubs, bars, dhabas etc. and have savoured an array of dishes right from Shrimp Scampi at the Grand Hyatt in Macau to steamed momos from a handcart in Lansdowne, Uttarakhand.

Having your meal and then settling the bill is the usual way restaurants around the world operate. So, satisfying the customers naturally becomes important because the payments are yet to be made. Moreover, the waiters would also get fat tips if they please the diner especially if he is in high spirits (pun intended).

But, last week I visited the epitome of all restaurants serving south Indian food in Delhi—The Andhra Bhawan Canteen on Jai Singh Road near India Gate.

The Thali system with eat-as-much-as-you-can system prevails here. One has to pay in advance and after handing over the slip to the waiters, the food arrives within minutes.

A non-vegetarian which I had for dinner consisted of a portion of daal, curry subzi, dry subzi, chutney, curd, papad, rasam, sambhar, boiled rice, rotis, dessert and a dry mutton dish. (you can also have it in gravy)

The food was awesome as was the service and it is the latter that took me by surprise. First of all the bill had already been paid and so the waiters did not have any chance to get a tip. Despite this, the affection and care with which the diners were being served had to be seen to be believed.

Already impressed, my ‘love at first bite’ with the place reached new heights when a waiter came up to me with some rice for a third filling. But I politely refused. To my surprise he insisted that I had some more rice and even got some curry of the mutton dish which I had not even ordered for free.

"Thoda aur lijiye..." (Have some more) he said and that gesture of hospitality made me feel completely at home. More so because I was not dining at a place where at the end of the dinner I would have to shell out a couple of thousand rupees.

Here, things appeared exactly the way they were- simple and honest.

There were no hidden perks in terms of a tip which he would get or plain flattery forcing me to visit again as thousands swear by the place and its food. It does not need to go out of its way to bring back customers.

The canteen is a perfect example of humbleness in greatness.