MOST IDIOTIC PRODUCT OF 2011

As the year 2011 draws to an end I would like to present the award of this year’s most idiotic product launch to – DETTOL NO TOUCH handwash system.

For the uninitiated— the handwash system consists of a battery powered dispenser stuffed with a bottle of liquid soap and when you place your hand under the dispenser it automatically dispenses just the right amount of soap.

According to the Dettol advertisement, a soap bar is covered with millions of bacteria and the no touch system is comparatively safer as you won’t be touching the ‘infected’ soap bar or a dispenser.

BULLSHIT!!!

The system will protect you from germs because you won’t be touching the pump but seriously, how do we wash our hands? We press the pump for soap and then wash the germs off.

So even if the soap bar or pump has HIV/AIDS or swine flu bacteria on it, wouldn’t they be killed? The problem is not the soap but in fact it’s the tap which we touch before washing and immediately after.

So, what we need are not automatic soap dispensers but automatic taps!

However, there are some foolish souls on this earth including some close friends and relatives who just can’t stop praising the ‘invention of the century.’

Well, if you are so damn senseless to dole out hundreds of rupees for the dispenser, batteries and refills when the same job can be done by a soap that would cost Rs. 20! You deserve to be mugged by such corporates.

PRABHAT FAIRY: A DIFFERENT FAIRY TALE

It was a friend’s birthday bash last night and I hit the sack at around 5 in the morning. A few smokes and songs later when I finally decided to call it a day, i was ruffled by the sounds of firecrackers.

I wondered who the hell would be burning crackers at 5:30 a.m.! that too more than two weeks after Diwali. Just as reached the window to take a look, sounds of dholkis and daflis and gurbanis started reverberating in the air and it was then that I realized that the celebrations to mark the festival of Gurpurab had begun. (The festival will be celebrated on Nov 10)

The morning prayers better known as ‘Prabhat Fairy’ start a week before the main festival. It involves devotees singing gurbanis and taking a round of the locality in which the Gurudwara is situated.

However, the fairy that is taken out on Gurpurab is huge. It involves hundreds of people and there are lots of firecrackers, food and drinks offered by residents en route. The heart of the procession is the ‘palki’ or a modified tempo decorated with garlands, flowers and balloons carrying the Guru Granth Sahib.

So as I was lying down on the bed, fond memories came rushing back as to how I loved the fairies when I was growing up.

When I was a kid my mother would take me and my cousins living nearby to these fairies every year which meant lots of free samosas, bread pakodas, badam milk and what not. The combination of gorging on piping hot food in the chilly winter morning amidst gurbanis was truly divine.

Years later I was a teenager in school the celebrations began early. Me and my group of friends would get together to decorate the ‘palki’ late into the night. We would return home at around 2 a.m. catch a couple of hours sleep and were again on the road by 5.

Couple of years down the line when we entered college, things changed a bit. The fairies were now a pass for us to stay at each other’s house and drive around on our bikes toe whole night searching for food and cigarettes.

But when the fairy began we were right there not to feast on the bread pakoras or milk but on the neighbourhood girl that we had a crush on.

And then came the sad part-- not sleeping the whole night and returning home only after 8 or 9 a.m. meant that when we hit the sack it wasn’t before 6 or 7 in the evening that we woke up.

And it was then that we realized that we had to go to school or college the following day and the festivities were all over.

That was severe depression for us and we tried our best to somehow cajole our parents into letting us take an off the next day but year after year we failed terribly.

In conclusion, had it not been for the neighbourhood gurudwara and the fairies, I think I wouldn’t have had some of the best days, experiences of my life.

SO MUCH FOR A GANDHIAN MOVEMENT

I knew it was a sham since it all began in April this year. The dramatic speeches, promises of eradicating corruption in no time, patriotic bhajans and songs and lastly-- fooling naïve Indian citizens. The anti-graft movement led by so called Gandhian Anna Hazare always talks about Gandhian principles and following the path of non-violence but in reality they don’t have the strength or brains to walk the talk.

It all started in the Ramlila Maidan in August this year when Hazare began round two of his fast against the government demanding a strong Lokpal Bill to tackle corruption.

As days passed by the police presence around the grounds increased and the two stooges of Hazare, who in fact are the engines running the whole show-- Arvind Kejriwal and Kiran Bedi feared a possible police crackdown— similar to the one which resulted in the forceful eviction of Baba Ramdev from the same ground weeks earlier.

So, on one particular evening when the police presence was the maximum in the area, sacred to death they quickly informed Hazare about the developments outside. Surprisingly, the non-violence lover Hazare jumped out of seat and haunted by the sight of lathis crashing on him asked the young volunteers to guard the entry gates and stop any policemen if he tries to enter.

Apparently, excitement and fear got the better of this Gandhain who without thinking about the consequences ordered his minions to retaliate.

Thanks to the Home Ministry no such order was passed and followed by Delhi Police. Otherwise one can imagine what would have happened that night? Thousands of youths colliding with armed police personnel. Terrible.

Delhi hospitals would have seen a deluge of Rajabalas (The lady who died after sustaining critical injuries on her spine and head when police lathi charge the Ramlila Maidan during cutting short Ramdev’s agitation against black money).

Though Hazare took back his words the following day which had made no difference had the police stepped inside the maidan.

Now last week Team Anna member Prashant Bhushan was attacked by some activists of Shri Ram Sene and Bhagat Singh Kranti Sena on his remarks advocating a plebiscite in Kashmir.

Although I don't agree with Bhushan but I believe that bashing someone because he doesn't agrees with you is totally wrong. This is India not China.

But as soon as the attacker was done with Bhushan, his friends and supporters bashed the attacker as he was taken away by police blood oozing out from his nose and lips. I am not defending anybody here but was that right? Isn't that what Gandhi called 'an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind'.

Same thing happened in Lucknow yesterday when a slipper was hurled at Kejriwal. The attacker was bashed and his clothes torn by the 'bodyguards' of Kejriwal who he lovingly calls volunteers of India Against Corruption.

So, in both the cases every action had an equal and opposite reaction.

Even if we believe that the 'supporters' of these 'anti-corruption warriors' were angered and in the heat of the moment they kicked some butt. Shouldn't Bhushan and Kejriwal apologise? After all according to them they are not corrupt, lead a very honest and simple life and are followers of Gandhi. This much is surely expected of them.

But the kind of aura that Team Anna has now. not many will ponder over this sad reality. Even if they do they shall dismiss it. All because they are hopeful that someone will come forward to end corruption which is in fact a foolhardy because the fact is that no society can survive solely on honesty.

We need lies and corruption to work and maintain relations. The amount may vary. We are willing to shell out Rs. 100 if we have been stealing electricity with the help of a faulty electrical metre i.e. it is convenient to us.

In the end I would just like to add the whole anti-graft movement and Team Anna has been successful in fooling this nation.

Main bhi Anna tu bhi Anna gaate gaate, poore desh ko mast topi pehnayi hain.

THE PATHETIC NAUTANKIS OF RAMLILA MAIDAN

Being a journalist I was a regular visitor to the Ramlila Maidan during social activist Anna Hazare’s indefinite fast for a strong anti-graft bill in Delhi’s Ramlila Maidan last month.

No doubt, huge crowds were always present at the site since day one as people kept on pouring as the word spread that a 74-year-old was fasting for the cause of the common man.

However, it was the rapid increase in the he number of nautankis that thronged the venue as each day passed.

Donning fancy dresses or imitating some mythological character these nautankis were spread across the length and breadth of the ground carefully trudging close to the cameras of 24X7 news channels hoping to get their 15 seconds of fame.

In some cases, these nautankis were even followed around by ‘supporters’ of Hazare who instead of protesting along with Hazare seemed to be only interested in getting themselves registered by a news crew as they walked behind and danced around a complete stranger read nautanki.

On the other hand these nautankis had a competition among themselves. Who was dressed the most outrageous and who could gather maximum eyeballs and most important—media attention.

Almost all of them had no idea about the Lokpal or the Jan Lokpal bill but each one of them had huge colourful posters which basically thrashed the likes of Manmohan Singh, Sonia Gandhi, Kapil Sibal and P. Chidambaram.

The rapid sales of tri coloured caps, flags etc. further cemented this statement as the more u were covered in tri-colours the more ‘patriotic’ you were and the better the chances of you been covered by a camera.

A particular incident further convinced me that Indians can stoop to any level just to put up a good show for others.

I was startled when a middle aged lady went up to a young boy who had a very creative anti-corruption poster in his hands and she asked him to sell it.

So, the only chance of her getting into the frame of a camera was with a nice, creative poster as she forgot to buy the tri-coloured stuff mentioned above.

In a similar incident, two toddlers on a carpet under the marquee were holding the Indian flags and broke into impromptu slogan raising, imitating the crowd around them.

They looked so cute engrossed in their worlds poking each other and just having good fun.

So, when this foreign photo journalist tried to click them, almost immediately a total stranger standing nearby rushed to the kids snatched a tri colour from one of them, held it himself and started posing with the kids.

The journo asked him to move and leave the kids alone as she wanted a natural shot but the guy wont’ budge. Finally, the lady stomped her foot and left without taking a picture.

It was so pathetic that at the end of it I couldn’t help but think that those people were just hungry for some footage. If they had been dumped in a ground with an assurance that their antics would be shown on national TV they would have indulge in similar behaviour, Anna or no Anna!

DIGVIJAY SINGH CLAIMS 'INDIA'S GOT TALENT' IS PRO-HINDUTVA

The following blog is inspired by and dedicated to the popular news satire website – Faking News.

Digvijay Singh demands banning ‘India’s Got Talent’ calling it pro-Hindutva

New Delhi: Congress leader Digvijay Singh has asked for a ban on popular reality show ‘India’s Got Talent’ calling it pro-Hindutva as two of its three judges – Dharmendra and Kirron Kher are members of the Bharatiya Janata Party also accusing them of discrimination and biasness.

“They both are spreading the BJP’s communal agenda on national TV with the help of this useless show,” said Singh claiming that the judges praised participants from BJP ruled states while displaying a step motherly treatment towards those hailing from states where Congress was in power.

“Just last week a dancer from Gujarat was performing and both the judges clapped exact 29 times but when another performer hailing from Haryana completed his act, they clapped only 27 ½ times. Isn’t this discrimination?” asked Singh.

According to Singh, his statement is further cemented by the fact that when party colleague, Mani Shankar Aiyar went to the show claiming to be from Andhra Pradesh, he was booed off the stage.

“With all his experience at ‘The Circus’ which we also fondly call the Congress Headquarters, he went to the show as a joker and none of us doubted his capability. He is a natural at it. In fact he is a born joker,” said Singh.

But he was booed off the stage by the audience who I seriously doubt has been brainwashed by the communal judges just because instead of performing some tricks, Shankar started lambasting Kalmadi and co. for their poor management of the Commonwealth Games, said Singh.

Diggy Raja also claimed to have call records between the producer of the show Jadu Jhappiwala and a certain high ranked BJP leader Tintin Hadkari and accused the party of funding the show.

“The call records are safe in the respective telecom companies’ databases and I will produce them at the right time,” said Singh while he winked and grinned.

Dismissing Singh’s claim Jhappiwala said that he had already installed the advanced version of ‘Diggy Call Record Eraser’ in his phone so he was immune to such threats.

Further tearing into the show, Singh said it was a sham and the naïve citizens of the country were being fooled by the producers and the channel.

“Why are they wasting their time and making people believe that there is still some talent hidden in some part of this country? I mean India’s best talent- Rahul Baba has already been discovered and is being nurtured by me,” said Singh.

“What point are they trying to make?” asked Singh.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE ANTENNA THIEF

For the last couple of weeks, I had been witnessing a strange development in our street. For some unknown reasons the radio antennas of all cars parked in our neighbourhood were disappearing mysteriously at night and no one had a clue!

I was absolutely perplexed because stealing of decals and side view mirrors is a common problem in a city like Delhi and nowadays it’s totally accepted. I mean no one files an FIR if a decal from his car;s bonnet disappears.

But stealing plastic antennas made no sense. Especially when in all the cases the antennas were technically not stolen in one piece because their base bolted to the roof never came off.

So, I thought this stupid thief is stealing broken antennas and that too ever week!

But still I was fine with it until one night antennas of both my cars vanished. Couple of days later, I got them replaced still trying desperately to figure out the idiot behind the act. Meanwhile, three days later he struck again and both of the antennas were again missing.

And this time round while one of the antennas was broken in two, the other was completely disfigured.

It was like the antenna was given in the hands of Manmohan Singh and then he was continuously told by Digvijay Singh that Rahul Baba would make a better Prime Minister that he could ever be.

I would have pacified myself by blaming a jealous neighbor but the fact that it was uniform across the entire neighbourhood, refrained me from thinking so.

Desperate to find out the culprit, I set up camp on my home’s terrace (from here I can see both my cars) the whole night on a weekend and deiced to catch the miscreant ‘red handed.’

It was a dark, moonless night and on top of it the streetlight was broken too. The pitch dark conditions made it difficult to watch what was happening in the street below. So, I concentrated hard and kept vigil.

Meanwhile, pints of chilled Kingfisher, chicken tikkas and vintage Bollywood songs playing on my laptop were keeping me company.

Suddenly, at around 1 a.m. I saw someone walking towards my cars. Dressed in black he camouflaged himself in the dark environment and it was a challenging task to keep a track of his movements.

Upon reaching the front of the car he jumped on the bonnet, looked around and with another leap stood proudly on the rooftop of the vehicle. Then he went towards the antenna turned a circle and settled down with his tongue wagging out.

IT WAS A STREETDOG! Unable to bear the July heat he had been for the last couple of weeks dozing off on the rooftop of cars as the cool metallic surface provided much needed relief to him.

He slowly started licking the antenna then gnawed and bit it and finally pulled it out of its base before breaking it into two. Then he kept on playing with for a few minutes and finally dozed off.

Meanwhile, I had finished my last pint of beer and decided to hit the sack. As I gathered my stuff I could not help but laugh at myself while thinking about the amount of money that two new antennas would set me back by.

THODA AUR LIJIYE

In the over 20 years of my dining out experience, I have been to several restaurants, hotels, pubs, bars, dhabas etc. and have savoured an array of dishes right from Shrimp Scampi at the Grand Hyatt in Macau to steamed momos from a handcart in Lansdowne, Uttarakhand.

Having your meal and then settling the bill is the usual way restaurants around the world operate. So, satisfying the customers naturally becomes important because the payments are yet to be made. Moreover, the waiters would also get fat tips if they please the diner especially if he is in high spirits (pun intended).

But, last week I visited the epitome of all restaurants serving south Indian food in Delhi—The Andhra Bhawan Canteen on Jai Singh Road near India Gate.

The Thali system with eat-as-much-as-you-can system prevails here. One has to pay in advance and after handing over the slip to the waiters, the food arrives within minutes.

A non-vegetarian which I had for dinner consisted of a portion of daal, curry subzi, dry subzi, chutney, curd, papad, rasam, sambhar, boiled rice, rotis, dessert and a dry mutton dish. (you can also have it in gravy)

The food was awesome as was the service and it is the latter that took me by surprise. First of all the bill had already been paid and so the waiters did not have any chance to get a tip. Despite this, the affection and care with which the diners were being served had to be seen to be believed.

Already impressed, my ‘love at first bite’ with the place reached new heights when a waiter came up to me with some rice for a third filling. But I politely refused. To my surprise he insisted that I had some more rice and even got some curry of the mutton dish which I had not even ordered for free.

"Thoda aur lijiye..." (Have some more) he said and that gesture of hospitality made me feel completely at home. More so because I was not dining at a place where at the end of the dinner I would have to shell out a couple of thousand rupees.

Here, things appeared exactly the way they were- simple and honest.

There were no hidden perks in terms of a tip which he would get or plain flattery forcing me to visit again as thousands swear by the place and its food. It does not need to go out of its way to bring back customers.

The canteen is a perfect example of humbleness in greatness.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Last Tuesday one of my friends who is also my neighbor was in dire need of a new pair of shoes. So, we headed towards the Connaught Place as it is one of those markets which is near and much sorted than Karol Bagh, another close by market which is bursting at seams with shoppers any day of the week.

So, we got into his car and drove towards the heritage market. It was a lazy winter afternoon as the sun played hide n seek with the clouds. We took the Mandir Marg road instead of the Upper Ridge road as it was a short-cut to reach our destination.

The Mandir Marg road is a beautiful boulevard as it is a narrow stretch of tarmac with dense foliage on both sides. The road swirls like a huge python making its way in a tropical rain forest. The vistas are such that you will feel as if you are driving down the stretch in any of the hill stations in Himachal or Uttarakhand.

Just as we reached the middle of the road, there is a sharp hairpin turn. So, as the brakes slowed down the revolutions of the wheels to negotiate the turn, I saw a mysterious looking man squatted on the roadside with a large brown canvas bag on his side and a bicycle parked behind.

It was a deserted stretch of tarmac and this guy was casually sitting beside the road appeared a bit awkward. So, just out of curiosity I decided to investigate as what that man was upto. I got my friend to pull up the car behind some bushes.

As he killed the ignition we sat in silence and started observing the man. He was dressed in a white kurta and dhoti and had a big black moustache. He took out a beedi from his pocket and started puffing away. His body language suggested that he was definitely waiting for someone.

A mixed feeling of confusion and curiosity overtook the both of us as we watched in anticipation. A few minutes later a couple on a green Bajaj Chetak scooter pulled up right next to the man who immediately put out his beedi and became active.

As the man parked the dilapidated piece of machinery under a peepal tree, the middle-aged lady got off it and took a few steps towards the squatted man, who had now placed his big brown bag in front of him and one of his hand fiddling for something inside it.

The heavily built lady was dressed in a bright pink coloured salwaar-kameez with a matching dupatta. A thick black sweater protected her from the nippy weather. The man chewing a pan was stout and looked like Kader Khan’s half-brother. The couple exchanged a glance which was followed by complete silence in the air.

Taking a few steps toward the strange looking man, conversation commenced amongst the three. Our car parked behind the foliage we tried hard to listen in but could not only gather some muffled chatter.

But some negotiations were taking place, that was for sure. But what could they be dealing in? That too on a deserted road in the middle of a jungle? Could they be drug dealers? Or worse arms smuggler?

We were still scratching our heads when the silence in the air was shattered by sounds of a police siren blowing at a distance. Suddenly, the trio jumped into action and with a visible white police gypsy headed towards them the couple ran towards their scooter while the man in the dhoti flung himself onto his bicycle.

In the ensuing commotion, the big brown bag fell from his hands and surprisingly, a pile of bananas fell down on the asphalt.

Now our curiosity has reached a crescendo. I mean, if they were really dealing in bananas then why were they running away from the cops? I knew there was much more to them then what appeared.

Meanwhile, the trio on their respective modes of transportation disappeared into the woods as the gypsy slowly followed them.

Sure of the fact the sluggish speed at which the police van was moving would never catch the mysterious trio, I decided to take matter in my own hands and asked my friend to fire the engine and chase the ‘’

But just as we were leaving, for one last time I took a cursory glance of the surroundings for any piece of evidence read wannabe Sherlock Homes and a few metres away I saw something interesting. I stepped out of the car and walked towards it to have a better look.

Hidden behind the green shrubbery was a red coloured iron board with something written on it in bold white letters and it read:

“FEEDING ANY KIND OF FOOD TO THE WILD MONEKYS IN THE FOREST IS A CRIMINAL OFFENCE UNDER SECTION 20 (D) OF IPC. OFFENDER WILL BE LIABLE TO Rs. 10,000 FINE OR SIX MONTHS IN JAIL."

– BY ORDER

COMMISSIONER,

MUNICIPAL CORPORTAION OF DELHI (MCD)

It was then that I realised that being a Tuesday, the poor couple were just offering some food to the monkeys as an offering to Bajrang Bali. Looks can be deceiving. Seriously!

YOU DESERVE BETTER 'DADA'

Last week I read in the newspapers that former Indian skipper Sourav Ganguly who was left red faced after he went unsold in the Indian Premier League’s (IPL) auction held January, may get an opportunity to finally play for Kochi Tuskers Kerala as a replacement player for one of their injured players Steve Smith.

Ganguly aka Dada in the previous three editions, captained Kolkata Knight Riders who under his leadership went from bad to worse with each season of the IPL. Even Dada’s performance was nothing to write home about.

So, although it was a bit sad but definitely not a surprise when Ganguly’s name was called out at the auctions and no body showed any interest. The team owners were very clear in what they wanted— players who can hit the ball hard and were young.

Dada surely qualifies for the former but at 37 fails miserably in the latter. I would also like to add that performance is undeniably more important than age, that is why players like Tendulkar and Warne, who are older than Dada are still playing in the IPL and playing well.

Perhaps, this is the reason that veteran player like Anil Kumble who had a sublime three seasons with Royal Challengers Bangalore turned chief mentor of the team and saved himself from any embarrassment.

But it seems, dada’s arrogance had the better of him as he refused a similar offer from KKR. Instead he went a step ahead and put himself in the top most category i.e. the most expensive category of players demanding $400,000. Utter foolishness!

An seasoned campaigner like him should have known better. With his years of experience in one days and tests he knew that T20 is an explosive version of the game much faster than both the formats that he excelled at. And everybody cannot be a master at everything and there is no shame in admitting it.

Ganguly should have been humble enough to first demand a much lower price and if he found no takers, take on the job of KKR’s mentor or maybe just avoid IPL altogether.

Its discouraging to see a former captain of India waiting to replace someone in a team or maybe out of sympathy get selected in a squad. He does not deserves it neither he requires it.

But as the popular Sanskrit saying goes -- “Vinash Kalay, vipreet Budhi" meaning when god wants your times to be hard, he just distorts your thinking process.

So, while Ganguly till last week may have played for Kochi, a news report published a couple of days back suggests that the Bong may have lost a realistic chance of playing this year according to the IPL rule book.

Kochi wanted Ganguly as a replacement but the rule book states that, a player can be replaced at the same or lesser price than the player to be replaced. So while Smith was purchased by Kochi for $200,000 Ganguly's base price was $400,000.

Surprisingly, Ganguly's base price, initially, was $200,000. But former Indian skipper, along with a few other players, including Rahul Dravid, had increased it to $400,000. Vinash kalay, vipreet buddhi indeed!

Some say if he had not done that, Dada could have easily walked into the Kochi team and fulfilled his dream of playing in the IPL-4.

But seriously, is this the way one of the most successful cricketing captains of India would like to get selected—by replacing an injured player.

Would he feel the same passion and confidence of a player for whom team owners fought over? Wouldn’t his self-respect get a blow and would the fans be proud of him?

Well, as a cricket lover and dada fan I personally would never want to see him play like this. Kept as a reserve with nobody bothering about him even after the tournament commenced days ago and now out of the blue I should go gung ho because he got a chance to replace an injured player.

No way dada, YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!

ZEN AND THE ART OF LIVING

Since I began my first job in July last year, I commuted on a Honda City gifted to me by loving parents during my college days. Seven months into the job and the wise guy inside me realized that the peanuts that I was earning in the name of salary were not enough to justify the City’s high fuel bills.

Fed up, I finally decided to switch to a 1998 Maruti Zen. A pre-owned vehicle, it joined us a couple of years ago for the sole purpose of my mother trying a hand at driving.

But soon she realised that the mad traffic in Delhi coupled with the some morons who think that their green and yellow autos have the liberty of turning anywhere at high speeds without indicating was too much for her to handle.

So, the humble vehicle after a few weeks of outing began successfully hogging parking space in the street outside our home for its bigger sedan sibling.

Although both the cars run on petrol, the Zen obviously returns a better mileage because of its size.

Honestly, the switch from the City to a Zen was an altogether bitter experience for me as I was parting ways with my college sweetheart with whom I had many memories. Bought just two years back, the city had all the bells and whistles to satisfy my luxury needs.

But in stark comparison my new mode of transportation did not even have a POWER STEERING!!! The only saving grace was the air conditioner which I must confess was damn good for a car that was more than ten years old.

So, driving it for a few months I realised a lot of things about this puny car as well as the society we live in. For example how a simple thing like the size of the vehicle you drive in a city like Delhi can be a boon in rush hour traffic and at the same time a status symbol too.

The Zen being smaller is obviously much easier to drive and park in the city and can squeeze into any possible openings in traffic. But then, other motorists do not take you seriously and would rarely give room to overtake especially if the car in front of you is bigger than yours.

Motorists in the capital take pride as well as judge you by the size of your car, the bigger the better.

I have also realized that the number of people wanting to race me have increased too probably because cars belonging to the category of Zen i.e. budget hatchbacks rule the city roads.

So, a number of Santros, Wagon R’s, Altos etc. are challenging me every few weeks on the road and sadly defeating me too. A car that old does not have the lungs to accelerate past 80-90 kmph and that too being achieved in not less than a couple of minutes!!!

But like every cloud has a silver lining same was the case with the Zen.

To start of with, it has a very simple and humble appearence, which means traffic cops would seldom stop you even though I still do not have the car's registration certificate for reasons beyond my control.

Surprisingly, on a few occasions when I forgot to put on a seatbelt, traffic cops on bikes passed me and did not bother to flag me down. It was as If I was invisible to them.

Had it been the City with its black tinted glasses, fat tyres and alloys I would have definitely burnt a hole in my pocket paying fines. Cars like my City are easily noticed by cops because usually they are driven by youngsters who love to flout rules.

There have been times when I was driving the city, that I was pulled over by cops for not wearing a seatbelt or smoking at the wheel but nothing of that sort happened with the Zen, which in a way I believe maintains a 'low profile' easily.

But then again, it was definitely not a practical option because of its interiors, space and performance which belongs to a bygone era. And this I knew deep down inside, a few days after taking over the Zen.

But neither was the flashy and expensive to run City, which was very desirable but could not fit in the over all scheme of things.

So, I had to find a middle path, the best of both the worlds. Simply put, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

Hence I have decided to get myself a pre-owned Maruti Swift diesel but in pristine condition so that I can have the comfort and space of the City at the driving cost of the Zen.

Happy Hunting!!!

P.S. The only creature comfort that the Zen provided-- the awesome a/c broke down today morning.

STOP FOOLING YOURSELF MARUTI

Insaan ko apni aukaat kabhi nahi bhoolni chaahiye… the line spoken to death in numerous bollywood movies over the last several decades-- a warning given out to anyone who dared to cross his boundaries. But I guess, the people at Maruti Suzuki have not seen much Hindi films, otherwise they would not have the audacity to launch their latest car the Kizashi, which is recipe for a sure disaster!

The Kizashi is powered by a 2.4 litre petrol engine delivering 178 PS of power. It will be available in two variants — automatic transmission priced at Rs.17.5-lakh and six-speed manual transmission at Rs.16.5-lakh. Apart from being pricey, it looks like a grown up SX4, the company’s another mid size sedan struggling to survive.

It is also the first premium sedan launched by MARUTI, which produces eight small-cars in an attempt to shed its small-car maker image but sadly, it has got it all wrong.

History has proven that when it comes to selling cars above the 10 lakh bracket, MARUTI has always tasted dirt. Even in the segment above Rs. 7 lakh, MARUTI has either tasted short-term success or witnessed debacles. It is only the sub 7 lakh bracket where the company reigns supreme.

The first sedan offered by the company was Maruti 1000 in 1990 which was a huge success back then. It was followed by the Esteem with a 1.3 litre engine and upgraded features in 1994 which again was a success story and the car sold like hot cakes for almost 15 years until it was replaced by the Swift Dzire in 2008.

But that was back then when there was hardly any competition in the form of car models or for that matter, car makers. Maruti was up against the ageing Hindustan Motors' Ambassador and Contessa Classic and the Premier Automobiles' Padmini popularly known as the Fiat.

So, light weight, efficient and zippy petrol cars offered by MARUTI back then brought about an inevitable revolution as the masses were fed up of the old, boring cars with high maintenance and running costs which burned deep holes in their owners’ pockets.

Other competition like the Daewoo Cielo was a gas guzzler so was obviously rejected and the Ford brand was just taking off with its Escort which by the way sold in good numbers in the years that followed.

MARUTI was the leader back then and people had no other choice until the late 90’s and early 2000’s when companies like Hyundai, Toyota, Honda, Tata etc. stormed the Indian car market with diverse products that changed the country’s automobile scene forever.

The sedans offered by Maruti after the Esteem did not caught the fancy of the masses the way its predecessors did because the customers were now getting better value-for-money cars like the Hyundai Accent, Ford Ikon, Tata Indigo and even Honda City.

All these cars were class leaders and jolted the sales of various sedans offerd by Maruti over the years.

However, Maruti’s nightmare had begun many years ago with the Baleno. Even its replacement -- the SX4 launched in 2007 tasted short term success until the new Honda City with its i-vtec technology came to spoil its party. As of now, the situation is so bad for the Maruti sedan, that it will soon be launched in a diesel avatar in a desperate bid to combat the ever increasing sales of the Honda City.

But even sadder is the fact that suddenly, the number of SX4’s with ‘Govt. Of India’ printed on their number plates have surged in the capital. Maybe for 'old times sake' the government is doing a favour for its Japanese friend (as it no longer hold any stake in the company) and is distributing the sedan to its various officers around the country in a bid to clear the stock.

The only Maruti sedan that is doing great and is in fact a phenomenal success is the Swift Dzire which despite being an ugly duckling has managed to win the hearts of millions of Indians with its practicality, features and most important—its price, and here lies the truth behind Maruti’s success.

Majority of Indians are thrifty by nature. People like to get maximum bang for the buck here. The statement is further cemented by the fact that the top three manufacturers in the country—Maruti, Tata and Hyundai are known for value-for-money cars.

So, Maruti launching a car priced well above 16 lakhs is absolutely stupid. The brands in this segment need to have a snob value to sell. People would not spend such an amount on a car maker which takes pride in its high mileage cars what with the ‘Kitna Deti Hain’ ad campaign.

It is strange that Maruti still has not learnt its lessons even after the failure of their first SUV, the Grand Vitara launched a few years ago.The car failed miserably just because of its high price tag upwards of RS. 16 lakh.

With the launch of Kizashi, it seems the company is refusing to learn from its earlier mistake. Maruti must realize that the premium car buyer is willing to overlook a few features in his/her car provided it’s a premium brand. Maruti is just the opposite of this theory.

Why would a customer buy a Maruti product when they can lay their hands on a Honda, Toyota, Skoda or Volkswagen (VW) for the same price?

However, the company is saying that with the Kizashi, it is not expecting big volumes but is preparing itself to offer products in a segment which is likely to form a big chunk of the market in future. How ridiculous?

I am surprised at the fact that such a statement is coming from a company which brought a revolution in the Indian car market a couple of decades ago. They are either fooling us or themselves.

If the company genuinely wanted to enter the segment it should have done with a car loaded with features and a killing price tag of around 12 lakh i.e. offering better features and value than a Civic or Corolla but priced a few thousand rupees below them which would have made it an irresistible deal much like the Ford Figo which apparently has a waiting period of between two weeks to a month.

This way Kizashi would have given severe competition to cars like Honda Civic, Toyota Corolla, VW Jetta and Skoda Laura which are all best sellers.

But surprisingly and strangely, Maruti has placed the Kizashi at the top of this segment and for unknown reasons at the bottom of the segment above this which boasts of cars like the Honda Accord and VW Passat.

Sure, going by the engines, Kizashi is in Accord and Passat’s class but what about the space, looks, and once again BRAND?

This is suicidal from Maruti, how can it expect to conquer a segment of a car driven by strong brand image when it has failed in the segment below it. Absolutely surprising!

To top it all, the company is importing the car to India as a Completely Built-up Unit (CBU) which attracts more than 100 percent duty by the government.

Whereas, it should have imported the car as Completely Knocked Down Units (CKU) and assemble it here.

The company however, says that it will consider local assembly of the Kizashi if volumes justify doing so in the future. How much more foolish can they get? How will they get the volumes when the car is going to be a bigger disaster than the historic Baleno. They have got it all wrong, absolutely wrong!

And as I conclude this blog, thanks to some surfing about the car, I have just realized that according to the manufacturers, Kizashi literally means ‘a prelude to good things’... Truly ironic?